The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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