Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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