the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
