I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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