I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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