I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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