Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
