i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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