I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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