i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
