He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
