My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
