two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
