saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And then my night got REAL pukey
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
