Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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