Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
