I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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