you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
