Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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