I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
