I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
