im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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