you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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