can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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