You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
