My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
