Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
