his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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