I cut my penus on the lid.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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