I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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