My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
