Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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