Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
