Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what day is it and did you see me today?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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