Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
