took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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