There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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