i wish my penis had a tongue
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
