just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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