it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
