When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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