you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
