living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
