I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
