People in love make me want to vomit
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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