Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize