He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
