Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
