there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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