i just made my gag reflex go away.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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