could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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