The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He better not be in your backpack
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
