I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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