Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
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I need you to use more vowels.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize