I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
