I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
