Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
