Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
