Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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