Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
