You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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