I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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