I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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