the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
