I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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