Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
