life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
