I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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