When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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