Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
