I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
