she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
